Welcome Bartleby Jones EyeWhere! We know, after paying Meta a lot of money to find out, that you only click an average of five out of eight Instagram ads, so we appreciate your attention and promise to make your visit at least as interesting as scrolling. those photos of your sorority sister’s Labraschnoodle or buying the pizza oven that is disrupting the industry, collecting dust in your kitchen. (We see this every time you start your Oculus.)
So, are you ready to increase your Spex Appeal ™? Just follow these four easy steps and you’ll have new glasses in no time! *
*Due to supply chain issues and shortage of child labor, the actual shipping time is now five to seventy business days.
1. Choose your frames! “Try it out” options by downloading our patented AR Framr app (a Snapchat filter we bought from our babysitter, who specializes in IT at WashU). Once you’ve found a pair that gives you flashbacks to when you were bullied in seventh grade, select one of our exciting color options, such as tortoise shell, tortoise shell turtle or the old San Antonio Spurs logo (the only licensing deal we could afford).
2. Ask your mother for Dr. Herschbaum’s number. Remember him, the last optometrist (ophthalmologist? Otolaryngologist?) You saw just before your driving test? Oh, don’t you live in New Jersey anymore? Then wear something cute to the nearest LensCrafters and persuade the guy behind the counter to update your prescription for free, as a special favor, just this once. Then take a picture of your certificate and send it to us by text message, along with your social security number and blood type.
3. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET TO SEND US YOUR PUPILLARY DISTANCE! No, that’s not part of the vision test — duh. It’s something separate and even more important. We need to know how far your eyes are, okay? It’s super easy to measure. Simply glue a finger on each eyeball, hold your hand in that exact position as you lower it onto a ruler, and then tell us what it says. Five inches? Of course, that seems fair, if you’re cosplaying as a nerdy hammerhead shark! Seriously, it’s not that hard. Try again. Two and a half inches? Of course, quite close.
4. Ready to pay? Easy peasy! As you know, all of our frames here at Bartleby Jones EyeWhere are only $ 99! Let’s take a quick look at a few additional options, and then you’ll be good to go.
-Lentils (+ $ 50 **)
-Prescription glasses (+ $ 99 **)
-Precise prescription lenses (+ $ 149 **)
-Progressive lenses (+ $ 149 **)
-Moderate lenses (+ $ 49 **)
-Democratic lenses only (+ $ 79 **)
-Thin lenses (+199 $ **)
-Ultra-thin lenses (+ $ 249 **)
-Ultra-thin lenses (+ $ 399 **)
– Scratch resistant coating (+199 $ **)
-Peel resistant turning (+ 249 $ **)
– Scratch resistant (+199 $ **)
-Anti-glare (+ $ 399 **)
-Anti-flair (+299 $ **)
-Anti-Expensive (+ $ 49 **)
-Nose, mustache and eyebrow tie Groucho Marx ($ 99 **)
-Shipping ($ 24, or free with five or more pairs!)
-Handling ($ 48)
-Taxes (fifty-two percent — sorry, our headquarters are in the Netherlands)
Good news! If the total amount owed for your $ 99 executives is more than $ 1,500, you can pay in ten weekly installments, or you can just post the cost on your monthly student loan bill.
Thank you for purchasing with Bartleby Jones!