I’ve been computer dating since it seemed safe to some in the corner of my room where I’m dressed as an astronaut and have been hiding since 2020.
You are coming to an age (in fact, your liver is coming to an age) where clubs and bars are no longer viable for meeting people. For some of us, it’s any social event that involves drinking, because we’ve already enjoyed our share of this life’s libations. In rare cases, some of us have used a small town’s libation allowance multiple times and that’s just not an option.
Neither are the old forbidden workplace romances when you now work from home all day with your (not my type; too furry) cat. No more college classes to use as an excuse to start conversations either.
Remember the old “Do you have single friends?” angle? Just about everyone I know is married, or at least acts like one. Most of these people are between 40 and 50 years old. So the last time I tried to ask someone if they had any single friends, the shock reaction I got was like I had walked into a grocery store section at first. of 2021, ripped off my mask and sneezed on broccoli for three minutes.
Ironically, news of my question was passed on to the next person I dated, who said, with pure pity in his eyes, “Oh yeah, I heard you were asking such and such a thing if she had single friends…” This formerly acceptable question is now taboo to the point where words are getting around and people are feeling sorry for you.
“Poor, poor man… about to get very old (the next 40 years) and die alone.”
Speaking of grocery stores, I once saw an episode of “Happy Days” in which Fonzie advised Richie Cunningham to go grocery shopping, find a pretty woman, and shove his shopping cart into his to break ice. It may have been allowed in 1956, but following Fonzie’s advice in 2022 isn’t such a good idea, unless you think prison is a good place to meet your next mate.
So, I date from the computer…sort of. I met some pretty girls, I spent time with them…. still talk to them. My subscription expires in a few weeks and I think I’m done with that. I’ve probably seen enough, for several reasons:
The first: Does every person in the state of California have a wine glass surgically attached to their hand? Either that or I missed that in computer dating rules. I wouldn’t mind dating someone who drinks wine – I’ve had it before, and that’s fine with me. Also, I only drank wine when I ran out of everything else.
These dating profiles are essentially like love resumes. Here’s why you should want to date me: I drink wine. Lots of wine. In huge wine glasses the size of an inflatable kiddie pool. Come, join me in this vineyard, where I stand in the dirt, beside the grapes, smiling and awkwardly looking as inviting as possible.
I don’t invite? Swipe left, and you too can stand in the dirt on the weekends, with mountains soon to be on fire in the distance, looking for California elegance. Pose with me and share pictures of your stylish new life on social media to show people you went to high school with and haven’t seen since 1989 that you’re living a much better life than them.
Yes… “live my best life.” One in three profiles of people in the vineyards, standing in the dirt trying to hold the spaceship-sized wineglass in one hand, usually insert “Live my best life!” somewhere in their profile. What I always think about: So why are you trying to meet strangers on the internet?
My second favorite profiles are the menacing ones. Intimate profiles.
You’ve never met this person, but they’re already scaring you with a bunch of all-caps rules to follow.
“I’M NOT HERE FOR ONE NIGHT AND YOU BETTER DON’T ASK ME FOR MONEY TO COME TO THE US BECAUSE… MY KIDS ARE MY WORLD SO DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST COME HERE AND BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN…”
My third favorite profiles are the James/Jane Bond profiles. These should come with their own theme music. People traveling the world, accepting major awards, walking red carpets, climbing mountains, skydiving, running marathons in tropical locations, battling gorillas… whatever.
My first question: how quickly would this person accidentally kill me? The second: how on earth does this person actually think they would find someone who can follow them on a dating site? The third: how can someone still go hang-gliding while holding such a large wine glass in one hand?
Yes, everyone also says they love hiking. Which probably means they’re going to a mall. Whatever. At least that’s closer to the truth, I guess.
It’s a simpleton’s suggestion, but be yourself. We already know that times are weird, scary and unreliable. We also know that people still need people. The only option is to keep trying and to be honest. Because I don’t think I can afford those giant wine glasses.
Follow music critic Tony Hicks on Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.